Sick today

So today I was feeling a tad sick so I decided to stay home from work. I felt a lot better at about 10.30, but really, who shows up at 10.30? Also I didn't have a ride and I ended up feeling worse at 11.30.

Today's story is about one of my recent trips to the food store and how illogical they can be. So, if you want an Italian meal you would purchase pasta, sauce and Parmesan cheese. So, why wasn't the cheese in the same aisle as the other two? I mean, when I want Parmesan cheese i want it to be near the other fucking stuff I buy.

Curse you Mike Duke and your inability to efficiently run a supermarket. The place I went to wasn't Wal-Mart but I don't care, they both sell food.

In short, your goal this weekend is to boycott Wal-Mart. I prefer Pulbix though I will probably still shop at Wal-Mart. No one else carries my favorite brand of eagle tears and mermaid blood.

Interesting Candy

So, today I was at work and it was 4.46 so I decided that I would have an end of the day candy. So, I perused my supervisor's candy dish and found something called Mary Jane. This should have been my first indication of a problem since Mary Jane is slang for Marijuana, which is also delicious.

Anywho, I ate the candy and decided to read the ingredients. Nothing out of the usual; peanuts, sugar, rapeseed. Yeah that's right, my candy had rapeseed in it.

It also had an ingredient called mono. Which happens to be some form of disease right?


But yeah, today I ate some rapeseed. I don't know why they didn't use sunflower seeds. Those don't try to force themselves on me.

Tired

I must apologise, I was going to have an actual post but I am a bit tired today. Please enjoy the following picture or GTFO

Easter and NPH

So it's Easter again, or as the heathens call it, Zombie Jesus Day. For those of you that celebrate this holiday, I hope you have a very Happy Easter. For those of you that don't, call Gweneth Paltrow and ask for the Sunday special.

I thought there would be some really good Easter specials on TV today, but as I type this I am currently watching Starship Troopers. (Just as I typed this line, a 10 foot tall flying bug just swooped in and bit this guy's dick off). You know, this movie is nothing like the book I pretended to read. That being said, I think all of you people should watch this movie. There is one scene with Neil Patrick Harris shooting a bug but clearly this was before he was gay. Those of you who don't remember, NPH played Doogie Howser on a show of the same name in the early 1990's. In Starship Troopers, he is still a doctor, just a little bit more bad ass. Also, there is this name character named Rico but he isn't important.


Really? No one saw it coming?

Anyway, I have to go finish watch this movie. If I haven't killed myself I might write a review on it later. Don't get your hopes up though.

Anaconda 3

So today I decided to get a hair cut. Well, I hate when my hair is too short. Now half of Australia has to go.

Anywho, I watched Anaconda 3 today and there was a certain character in this movie. I went to Wikipedia and I looked it up. David Hasselhoff is in this movie. Why is he in this movie. I mean, I am as much a Hoff fan as the nextlegally crazy, half blind scientist from a tropical nation, but WTF? Then in this scene I found on youtube, he's fighting the other lead. A WOMAN. HE PUNCHES A WOMAN.

You know, if not for the fact that I knew he was drunk I would be upset. Never in my life have I hit a woman, Only Rosie O'Donnell. Well, enjoy this clip and hopefully I will start having more frequent updates.

Escaped

26 days. Thats how long it has been since my last post. It seems as though the US Government tracked my down after my Swiss mishap last month. You say "bomb" on a plane and suddenly you're getting a human booster shot from a guy named Peggy in federal jail. Never again will I pretend to vote for a Democrat.

Ok, so over the past month I have been doing some very time consuming things; homework, classes, your mother, but now is the time I will commence the updating of this blog. Maybe a true life story will suffice for today.

So I was walking down the street two weeks ago when I noticed that it had begun to snow. Since I didn't want to get wet by the snow, I decided to quicken my pace so that I could make it back to my living quarters. About half way home, I saw a young girl, no older than the age of 12, walking down the street in 3 inch heels, a tube top, and low-cut jeans. Now, as a concerned parent, I wondered where this child's mother or father was. Sitting 2 feet away, near the gutter, was a drunk woman of about 35. Wanting to help them, I decided to walk up to them. Seconds later I am surrounded by police for stalking an innocent white girl. Well, thats the last time I try to be a good samaritan. As for the woman and her daughter, let's just say my pet vampire will eat good tonight.

Side note : Everyone should go visit my friend James Harper's blog at somewhatfunnythings.blogspot.com. He and I are hanging out together right now watching porn. Whoops sorry, that's facebook on his computer screen. My mistake

Observations

Over the past 11 days since my last post I have noticed alot of things that I would now like to share with the internet as well as some possile theories about stuff.

1. Michigan is cold. I have been here for 17 days so far and honestly, I havent seen my penis is a week and a half. I get it mother Nature, its winter, but you don't have to keep bitching about it.

2. Squirrels are liers. Yesterday I saw a squirrel. Why the fuck was a squirrek out in the winter? Should they be lining the insides of people's houses, cars and jackets to keep them warm?

3. If its not broke, don't fix it. Incidently, this one turned to my advantage. There was this lamp in my room I was trying to fix, but it wasn't broken. So, I broke it and now its fixed.

4. Goku is a little girl. "Hey guys, I don't think we can win. Go get yourselves killed so I can fly in with the spirit bomb, save the day and be the hero." First of all, if he knew the spirit bomb will ALWAYS kill his opponent then why not use it in the beginning?

5. A friend of mine brought it to my attention that God does things just for the "lulz" such as bringing Jesus back with the dragon balls. Are we to assume that satan is Frieza?

6.If the pen is mightier than the sword, why not just use a gun? I mean, shoot the bitch before pen reaches paper

Sweden

Okay guys, so I haven't updated in a while and here's why:

I was on my way to my room to update this a week ago. But then Walter Cronkite's son called me and asked if I could go on a mission in Sweden. You see, I was supposed to try to assassinate the king of Sweden but I got in a bit of trouble. Their Prime Minister happened to be really good at karate and he caught me off guard. Not so neutral now are you, Sweden? So for three days, I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with only a pencil, 65 francs and about 6 ounces of botulinum toxin. So anyway, I was walking towards the capital city and I realised that I had to get back to the United States for a few parties.

Ok, there was this Sherpa there (I don't know why he was there, but he was) and he led me back to the airport. Well, I didn't get to kill he king while I was there, but botulinum is very soluble in water. Happy New Year's Day Sweden.

OMG WTF 2010 soon

I trust that everyone had a good Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Whatever the hell you celebrate.

You, I haven't posted my usual brand of comedy in a while because I recently climbed mount Everest without oxygen. Chuck Norris was my shurpa. Everytime I passed out from lack of oxygen, he plucked one of his beard hairs to revive me. The folicle releases a rush of oxygen, carbohydrates and enough energy to power the island of Manhattan for 348 minutes.

So anyway, there are approximately so, lets see whats in the news.

So, what is with all the terrorism near Detroit. I mean, what did Detroit do to Nigeria that was so bad? I mean, I know GM is in that area and GM is the most evil corporation (until the Obama Administration) but come on. Nigerians, stop attacking planes, I have to get to Detroit today.

Okay, so this crazy woman rushes over and barrels down the Pope as he was doing his Pre-Christmas mass. I'm glad the pope is okay, but this was the single funniest thing I have seen since that one episode of Futurama. You know the one. It had Fry in it.

Ok, so I went to the carnival this weekend and I saw a guy with a superman tattoo on his chest. I really wanted to hit him with this shovel I had, but he was wearing a lil Wayne hat. Superman would NEVER wear a lil Wayne hat. Also, why would superman be in the Bahamas?

What else can I add in here to take up space. Oh! This one time at band camp...everyone died

Happy Kwanzaa Everypeople

Now, I know everyone is wondering what Kwanzaa is. Well, I have no idea. There is, however, a book on the subject. If you were a good fighter for equal rights this year then Kwanzaa Bot will break into your house and leave the traditonal Kwanzaa book for you.