OMG WTF 2010 soon

I trust that everyone had a good Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Whatever the hell you celebrate.

You, I haven't posted my usual brand of comedy in a while because I recently climbed mount Everest without oxygen. Chuck Norris was my shurpa. Everytime I passed out from lack of oxygen, he plucked one of his beard hairs to revive me. The folicle releases a rush of oxygen, carbohydrates and enough energy to power the island of Manhattan for 348 minutes.

So anyway, there are approximately so, lets see whats in the news.

So, what is with all the terrorism near Detroit. I mean, what did Detroit do to Nigeria that was so bad? I mean, I know GM is in that area and GM is the most evil corporation (until the Obama Administration) but come on. Nigerians, stop attacking planes, I have to get to Detroit today.

Okay, so this crazy woman rushes over and barrels down the Pope as he was doing his Pre-Christmas mass. I'm glad the pope is okay, but this was the single funniest thing I have seen since that one episode of Futurama. You know the one. It had Fry in it.

Ok, so I went to the carnival this weekend and I saw a guy with a superman tattoo on his chest. I really wanted to hit him with this shovel I had, but he was wearing a lil Wayne hat. Superman would NEVER wear a lil Wayne hat. Also, why would superman be in the Bahamas?

What else can I add in here to take up space. Oh! This one time at band camp...everyone died

Happy Kwanzaa Everypeople

Now, I know everyone is wondering what Kwanzaa is. Well, I have no idea. There is, however, a book on the subject. If you were a good fighter for equal rights this year then Kwanzaa Bot will break into your house and leave the traditonal Kwanzaa book for you.

Its Christmas

Now GTFO of the internet. Also, make sure you send me my present or I will find you and I will destroy you.

Awesome nerd picture I saw today

Last minute Christmas shopping tips

There are three shopping days until Christmas. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. But if she has cataracts then cubic zirconia is a lovely acquaintance

2. Sex is a risky gift for Christmas. If it is good then you lucked out. But if it is bad then you can't return it and you will remember it for a lifetime. Also, waking up pregnant is normally something ladies want to do since there is alot of drinking to be had on New Years Eve

3. Don't be afraid to be stereotypical. Some women love pots, pans and other kitchen stuff. This might be the time to get that new stove she will be slaving over next year.

4. When buy a gift for men, it is fairly simple. But don't assume cologne or a tie will do it. A wife dressed in a sexy maid outfit is practical for any holiday. You can even get more festive by dressing up as naughty Mrs Clause

5. If you are buying a car for that special someone, make sure you buy a car that has good fuel efficiency. Those 6 mile/gallon Hummers don't really cut it.

6. Some people get flowers. If you buy flowers don't buy the ones that are cut already. Just like you Christmas tree or a crappy marraige, it will die. Buy something exotic that is in a pot and take care of it as a bonding thing. (Holy shit, this one is actually a good idea)

7. Buy your dude a flat screen TV. Its almost time for the superbowl and its good to watch the game on a giant TV while you are making him and his friend nachos on your new stove.

8. When shopping for kids, just take them with you to buy thier gift. The brats know what they want. If you are one of those people that like to buy you child's gift 2 months early, see if it is still something they want. Also, stop buying your kid's gift 2 months early.

9. Canada

10. Gift cards are a lovely present at someone's favorite story. They want the money instead though. They need flexibility and your thoughtfullness is kinda stupid.

Have a nice Christmas people

NO GOKU, YOU'LL DESTROY US ALL

Lupus

Hannukah

Happy Hannukah to all those who celebrate this one.

This reminds me of a funny story. So last year I was celebrating Christmas and this acidic jewish guy came up to me and asked me if I knew what time it was. I noticed that I did not have my watch with me so I told him that I can't help him. Then out of nowhere, this Irish guy comes up and punches my Jewish friend in the face. Curious as to why he did that, I asked him. He said he did it because it was a leap year. Never have I been more confused as to why an Irish guy punched someone. Though the irish guy was kicked in the chin by a nun. That only raised more questions. I need to stopped taking flights that connect in Atlanta

Tips for safe Trick-or-Treating in the ghetto

I know its a bit late, but you can use these next year.

1. Towels tied to bullet proof vests make excellent capes. If you want to get really spectacular, make your cape entirely out of the material and you have an excellent shield against drive-bys

2. Wear neutral colours. Try to stay away from heavy blues and reds as these are notorious gang colours. No matter your gender, pink is very safe.

3. Stay away from houses that have 6 or more old broken down cars in front of them. Rats make them thier homes.

4. If you see a chihuahua, stay back! A pit bull is not far behind.

5. Try not to take a Blackberry or LG Chocolate cell phone with you. The Nokia 1500 series is less likely to get you mugged.

6. Do no take pixie sticks that have white suger in it. It isn't sugar.

7. Wear comfortable running shoes.

8. Mace is your friend

9. There is safety in numbers. There is even more safety if you have an AK-47 on you.

10. Stay away from homes that smell like it has turkey cooking...Its not thanksgiving yet.

11. Try to stay near streelights. Hookers are allergic to most forms of artificial lighting.

12. DON'T TOUCH ANY PLANTS

13. If you want to go as a ghost, invest in make-up. Going with a sheet over you makes your body easy to dispose of.

14. Keep a car within a 2 house range. If you are in the ghetto then someone will likely be fighting with thier baby mama. Gunshots are likely to follow.


Follow these tips and you will make it to Thanksgiving, Christmas and beyond

More good shows...none of this Drake and Josh shit

AWESOME CHILDHOOD

This is the first of many All That posts....No infringement intended. (I have to say this so I won't be sued)

Story time

Ok, so this one time when I was like 7, I decided it would be fun to play with fire. So, I got this toy I had and began taking it apart so that I can get to the wires.

Well, when I finally did so, I realised that we had some paper and alcohol sitting in the corner. So, I went over, grabbed the paper, lit it with the spark from the exposed wires and then dipped the falming end into a bowl of alcohol.

I was so mesmerised by the flame that I didn't even notice that I had put the toy down......Well, the wires got crossed and lit my bed sheet on fire. This scared the shit out of me, causing me to accidently knock the flaming bowl of alcohol over. (This is why I should never be unsupervised...especially no that I am chemistry major in college)

Well, I managed to get the fire out by pouring a bowl of water onto the sheet (I was smart enough to think of this). Needless to say, my grandmother gave me a good whuppin' when she came from work.

~Moral of the story: No matter how old your grandmother is, don't assume anything, she might still be able to swing a belt

Pi

Delicious right?

Jehovah's Witness

Before I start, let me just say that I respect everyone's religion and no offence is intended...just comedy.



So, today some Jehovah's Witnesses came to my house and I decided to have some fun with them. So I yelled out the door, "Just a minute." and decided to prepare my attack.

So, I walked outside with no shirt on, really short pants, clothes pins on my nipples and a mask on my face. The two guys out there had the most amazing expressions on thier face. As I made my way to the fence they whispered something to each other. I don't know what was said, but I knew they were scared.

As they were talking to me about God, looking very stressed, my friend called from inside asking me where I was. I said, "I'm outside honey." Then, he walked outside, came up to me and kissed me on my cheek. All I did was turned to the two religion guys, told them I was very busy and my friend and I went back inside. I turned around to see the most aamazing expression on thier faces. Guess it will be a while before the come to my house again ^.^

Remember this one guys?

Even though Pokemon was alot more famous, I remember watching this show before we had the internet in my house. After that moment, everything revolved around things 7 year olds shouldn't be watching. Also, about the no post yesterday, I was entertaining the troops in Iraq. I support our troops, but war is stupid. Now, on to that video

Lazy today

I feel lazy from fighting superman....oh, I won. It was even in today's news

fuck you Clark


But, here is the actually funny picv of the day...sorta


A true nerd will laugh at this no matter how much you have seen it before

Signs you were the chubby kid in elementary school

Ok, these are things I noticed about myself and others who came a long way from those days.

1. Your grade six shirts are too big for you.

2. Your dimples are permanantly eched into your cheeks (both sets of cheeks)

3. One day you went to tie your shoes and you realise you can see you toes (This was wierd when this happened to me)


4. People say you look slim when you know you havent lost weight in a few years. (This would be a bit after elementary school)

5. Your mom/dad has some insulin stored in a cryogenic freezer because the doctors told you that you would be diabetic

6. This is probably the most accurate way to know. It worked for me. You look at pictures from elementary school, try to find everyone, come across the chubby kid then realise its you 5 minutes later

~URGENT NEWS~

This just in, economists are very optomistist about the national reciver finally being underway. Large drops in the unemployment rate spur hope in the future. Sources say however, that the drops are not cause by people finding job, but by Godzilla coming out of his 27 year sleep cycle and terrorizing parts of the Midwest United States.


In other news, a huge blizzard is forecasted to hit the West and MidWest. I will have more on this when informations comes to my tropical island paradise where temperatures are still a very nice 80 degrees.

~~~~~
Since 1980, there have been 91 security breaches into the White House. I went on lcation to find out more, but the secret service got mad that I was in the president's office. Maybe the shouldn't have been counting how many people broke in and should have been preventing it from happening.



There have been many rumors that Tiger Woods is a sex addict. We tried to reach Mr. Woods for his side of the story, but apparently Jenna Jameson was answering calls in his stead.


That is all for news tonight. WMSX Channel >9000

A cool video I saw

!No copyright infrigement intended~ That being said, where's my pie?

Wierd sleeping today

Ok, So today I woke up at about 6am and I was watching some TV. Nothing too interesting, but then at around 9 or so I decided to go back to sleep for a bit. So, I decided to put on some Owl City and I went to sleep.

I first knew it would be an interesting nap (well I don't really want to call it a nap because naps are for humans...) when I started to have this dream whereby I was a scientist studying how kangaroos fend off thier natural prey....zebras. Apparently punching them in the gills works wonders.

After this dream was over, I decided it was time to wake up. Well, this took me about an hour or so to do. Everytime I woke up, I was stil stuck in a dream whereby I was in my room, EXACTLY how my room is currently set up. The problem was, everytime I would awaken, my muscles seemed to not be working properly so I had to keep going back to sleep in order to wake up a little bit more everytime. Everything was going fairly well, but there seemed to be a problem with my neck. I had no control over my neck muscles. I would sit up but my neck was still at a 90 degree angle. This caused my eyes to be unable to focus.

There was another wierd thing happening though. I was completely aware of everything that was happening. I was awake in my dream. Thank God my head phones slipped off. The removal of the music seemed to have given me the ability to wake up. Maybe the music that is Owl City has some for of lucid dream inducing properties.

This entire post is true. I cannot make this shit up. Well, I can, but I didn't this time.

Pokemanz

One of my fave pokemon songs. Enjoy. OMFG, its Friday isn't it. Porn night tonight

Souljah Boy (Edited for grammatical errors)

This was funnier in my head cuz I did it in my British accent.

(You!)
Soldier boy, I told them.
Excuse me, I have a new dance to show you. It is called the Soldier Boy
(You!)
You have to punch then crank back three times from left to right.
(Indeed!)

[Chorus: x2]
Soldier boy off into this promiscuous woman
Watch me crank it
Watch me roll
Watch me crank that soldier boy
Then I will proceed to Superman that promiscuous woman
Excuse me, can you watch me?
(Crank that Soldier Boy)
Excuse me, can you watch me?
(Crank that Soldier Boy)
Excuse me, can you watch me?
(Crank that Soldier Boy)
Excuse me, can you watch me?
(Crank that Soldier Boy)

[Verse 1:]
Soldier boy off into this promiscuous woman
Watch me lean and watch me rock
Superman that promiscuous woman
Then watch me crank that Robocop
Super fresh, now watch me jock
I am jocking on the haters, sir
When I do the Soldier Boy
I lean to the left and crank that thing
(now you)
I'm jocking on your spiteful buttocks
And if we get the fighting
Then I'm going to have to use my weapon
You catch me at your local party
Yes, I crank it everyday
Haters getting mad at me because
I purchased the Bathing Apes athletic shoes

[Chorus x2]

[Verse 2:]
I'm bouncing on my toea
Watch me super soak that promiscuous woman
I'm going to pass it to Arab
Then he's going to pass it to Don Loc (loc)
Haters want to be me
Soldier Boy. I'm the man
They are looking at my neck
Saying it's the rubber band man (man)
Watch me do it (watch me do it)
Dance (dance)
Let us get to it (let us get to it)
Nope, you can't do it like me
Promiscuous woman, so don't do it like me
Folk, I see you trying to do it like me
Man, that fecal matter was offensive to the eye sight

[Chorus x4]

Then there is some other stuff, but I got bored so I am clicking publish.

If I were a bird.

Contrary to the title of this post the will be no birds. I don't want to cntract bird flu. You see, while everyone is worried about swine flu, the birds are going to rise up again and destroy the human race. But, I will be there to happily help repopulate.

Ok, so interesting thing today. I was walking down the street and there was this ice cream truck. Now, I really didn't know that they moved that slow but when I looked up again, the truck was behind me. Incidently, you can out-pace an ice-cream truck if you walk at a moderate speed.

Also, that damned Christmas tree made an appearance in my schedule again today. Since I celebrated Kwanzaa last year I may celebrate Hanukkah this year. Does anyone know where I can get good deals on dreidels and menorahs?

I think I need to start coming up with actual ideas for these posts. I don't like this impromptu stuff. But, its in my nature to be random. Well, I am going to go find a ride back home. I don't know how I ended up in Paris today

~RAWR

Hi everybody. Welcome to another exciting post on "Tales of a Mad Scientist"

Now, there was no update yesterday and I must apologize. You see, I was trying to assassinate Vladmir Putin, but when I was testing the neuro-toxic gas bomb it kind of went off in my face. So, after 12.7 million dollars in surgery and 3.2 million dollars in chocolate, ice cream and porn, I am back on the blogo-sphere.

Few things today:

1. Ok, so apparently Tiger Woods is refusing to talk with investigators about what exactly happened the day he crashed and had to be free by his wife (she smashed the window with one of his golf clubs). What I think happened was they got into an argument and his wife decided not to be a wimp anymore. While trying to get away he messed up and ended up crashing (OOPSIE DAISY). Hopefully Tiger can sort this out.


What the attack weapon looks like


2. With Thanksgiving gone and December here, it's almost Christmas. I hope everyone was nice this year, you don't want Santa to think you were naughty. (More on Christmas as it actually occurs)



3. The year and the decade are nearly done. For the last 10 days of the year, I will have a different post about the major highlights of each year. Wow, I can't believe we are done with another decade already. It feels like 2000 just started about 10 years ago.


Well, there are a few main points. Again, I apologize for not being able to update yesterday. I will try to keep almost dieing to a minimum. PEACE OUT Y'ALL