OMG WTF 2010 soon

I trust that everyone had a good Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Whatever the hell you celebrate.

You, I haven't posted my usual brand of comedy in a while because I recently climbed mount Everest without oxygen. Chuck Norris was my shurpa. Everytime I passed out from lack of oxygen, he plucked one of his beard hairs to revive me. The folicle releases a rush of oxygen, carbohydrates and enough energy to power the island of Manhattan for 348 minutes.

So anyway, there are approximately so, lets see whats in the news.

So, what is with all the terrorism near Detroit. I mean, what did Detroit do to Nigeria that was so bad? I mean, I know GM is in that area and GM is the most evil corporation (until the Obama Administration) but come on. Nigerians, stop attacking planes, I have to get to Detroit today.

Okay, so this crazy woman rushes over and barrels down the Pope as he was doing his Pre-Christmas mass. I'm glad the pope is okay, but this was the single funniest thing I have seen since that one episode of Futurama. You know the one. It had Fry in it.

Ok, so I went to the carnival this weekend and I saw a guy with a superman tattoo on his chest. I really wanted to hit him with this shovel I had, but he was wearing a lil Wayne hat. Superman would NEVER wear a lil Wayne hat. Also, why would superman be in the Bahamas?

What else can I add in here to take up space. Oh! This one time at band camp...everyone died

Happy Kwanzaa Everypeople

Now, I know everyone is wondering what Kwanzaa is. Well, I have no idea. There is, however, a book on the subject. If you were a good fighter for equal rights this year then Kwanzaa Bot will break into your house and leave the traditonal Kwanzaa book for you.

Its Christmas

Now GTFO of the internet. Also, make sure you send me my present or I will find you and I will destroy you.

Awesome nerd picture I saw today

Last minute Christmas shopping tips

There are three shopping days until Christmas. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. But if she has cataracts then cubic zirconia is a lovely acquaintance

2. Sex is a risky gift for Christmas. If it is good then you lucked out. But if it is bad then you can't return it and you will remember it for a lifetime. Also, waking up pregnant is normally something ladies want to do since there is alot of drinking to be had on New Years Eve

3. Don't be afraid to be stereotypical. Some women love pots, pans and other kitchen stuff. This might be the time to get that new stove she will be slaving over next year.

4. When buy a gift for men, it is fairly simple. But don't assume cologne or a tie will do it. A wife dressed in a sexy maid outfit is practical for any holiday. You can even get more festive by dressing up as naughty Mrs Clause

5. If you are buying a car for that special someone, make sure you buy a car that has good fuel efficiency. Those 6 mile/gallon Hummers don't really cut it.

6. Some people get flowers. If you buy flowers don't buy the ones that are cut already. Just like you Christmas tree or a crappy marraige, it will die. Buy something exotic that is in a pot and take care of it as a bonding thing. (Holy shit, this one is actually a good idea)

7. Buy your dude a flat screen TV. Its almost time for the superbowl and its good to watch the game on a giant TV while you are making him and his friend nachos on your new stove.

8. When shopping for kids, just take them with you to buy thier gift. The brats know what they want. If you are one of those people that like to buy you child's gift 2 months early, see if it is still something they want. Also, stop buying your kid's gift 2 months early.

9. Canada

10. Gift cards are a lovely present at someone's favorite story. They want the money instead though. They need flexibility and your thoughtfullness is kinda stupid.

Have a nice Christmas people

NO GOKU, YOU'LL DESTROY US ALL

Lupus

Hannukah

Happy Hannukah to all those who celebrate this one.

This reminds me of a funny story. So last year I was celebrating Christmas and this acidic jewish guy came up to me and asked me if I knew what time it was. I noticed that I did not have my watch with me so I told him that I can't help him. Then out of nowhere, this Irish guy comes up and punches my Jewish friend in the face. Curious as to why he did that, I asked him. He said he did it because it was a leap year. Never have I been more confused as to why an Irish guy punched someone. Though the irish guy was kicked in the chin by a nun. That only raised more questions. I need to stopped taking flights that connect in Atlanta

Tips for safe Trick-or-Treating in the ghetto

I know its a bit late, but you can use these next year.

1. Towels tied to bullet proof vests make excellent capes. If you want to get really spectacular, make your cape entirely out of the material and you have an excellent shield against drive-bys

2. Wear neutral colours. Try to stay away from heavy blues and reds as these are notorious gang colours. No matter your gender, pink is very safe.

3. Stay away from houses that have 6 or more old broken down cars in front of them. Rats make them thier homes.

4. If you see a chihuahua, stay back! A pit bull is not far behind.

5. Try not to take a Blackberry or LG Chocolate cell phone with you. The Nokia 1500 series is less likely to get you mugged.

6. Do no take pixie sticks that have white suger in it. It isn't sugar.

7. Wear comfortable running shoes.

8. Mace is your friend

9. There is safety in numbers. There is even more safety if you have an AK-47 on you.

10. Stay away from homes that smell like it has turkey cooking...Its not thanksgiving yet.

11. Try to stay near streelights. Hookers are allergic to most forms of artificial lighting.

12. DON'T TOUCH ANY PLANTS

13. If you want to go as a ghost, invest in make-up. Going with a sheet over you makes your body easy to dispose of.

14. Keep a car within a 2 house range. If you are in the ghetto then someone will likely be fighting with thier baby mama. Gunshots are likely to follow.


Follow these tips and you will make it to Thanksgiving, Christmas and beyond

More good shows...none of this Drake and Josh shit