Escaped

26 days. Thats how long it has been since my last post. It seems as though the US Government tracked my down after my Swiss mishap last month. You say "bomb" on a plane and suddenly you're getting a human booster shot from a guy named Peggy in federal jail. Never again will I pretend to vote for a Democrat.

Ok, so over the past month I have been doing some very time consuming things; homework, classes, your mother, but now is the time I will commence the updating of this blog. Maybe a true life story will suffice for today.

So I was walking down the street two weeks ago when I noticed that it had begun to snow. Since I didn't want to get wet by the snow, I decided to quicken my pace so that I could make it back to my living quarters. About half way home, I saw a young girl, no older than the age of 12, walking down the street in 3 inch heels, a tube top, and low-cut jeans. Now, as a concerned parent, I wondered where this child's mother or father was. Sitting 2 feet away, near the gutter, was a drunk woman of about 35. Wanting to help them, I decided to walk up to them. Seconds later I am surrounded by police for stalking an innocent white girl. Well, thats the last time I try to be a good samaritan. As for the woman and her daughter, let's just say my pet vampire will eat good tonight.

Side note : Everyone should go visit my friend James Harper's blog at somewhatfunnythings.blogspot.com. He and I are hanging out together right now watching porn. Whoops sorry, that's facebook on his computer screen. My mistake

Observations

Over the past 11 days since my last post I have noticed alot of things that I would now like to share with the internet as well as some possile theories about stuff.

1. Michigan is cold. I have been here for 17 days so far and honestly, I havent seen my penis is a week and a half. I get it mother Nature, its winter, but you don't have to keep bitching about it.

2. Squirrels are liers. Yesterday I saw a squirrel. Why the fuck was a squirrek out in the winter? Should they be lining the insides of people's houses, cars and jackets to keep them warm?

3. If its not broke, don't fix it. Incidently, this one turned to my advantage. There was this lamp in my room I was trying to fix, but it wasn't broken. So, I broke it and now its fixed.

4. Goku is a little girl. "Hey guys, I don't think we can win. Go get yourselves killed so I can fly in with the spirit bomb, save the day and be the hero." First of all, if he knew the spirit bomb will ALWAYS kill his opponent then why not use it in the beginning?

5. A friend of mine brought it to my attention that God does things just for the "lulz" such as bringing Jesus back with the dragon balls. Are we to assume that satan is Frieza?

6.If the pen is mightier than the sword, why not just use a gun? I mean, shoot the bitch before pen reaches paper

Sweden

Okay guys, so I haven't updated in a while and here's why:

I was on my way to my room to update this a week ago. But then Walter Cronkite's son called me and asked if I could go on a mission in Sweden. You see, I was supposed to try to assassinate the king of Sweden but I got in a bit of trouble. Their Prime Minister happened to be really good at karate and he caught me off guard. Not so neutral now are you, Sweden? So for three days, I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with only a pencil, 65 francs and about 6 ounces of botulinum toxin. So anyway, I was walking towards the capital city and I realised that I had to get back to the United States for a few parties.

Ok, there was this Sherpa there (I don't know why he was there, but he was) and he led me back to the airport. Well, I didn't get to kill he king while I was there, but botulinum is very soluble in water. Happy New Year's Day Sweden.

OMG WTF 2010 soon

I trust that everyone had a good Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Whatever the hell you celebrate.

You, I haven't posted my usual brand of comedy in a while because I recently climbed mount Everest without oxygen. Chuck Norris was my shurpa. Everytime I passed out from lack of oxygen, he plucked one of his beard hairs to revive me. The folicle releases a rush of oxygen, carbohydrates and enough energy to power the island of Manhattan for 348 minutes.

So anyway, there are approximately so, lets see whats in the news.

So, what is with all the terrorism near Detroit. I mean, what did Detroit do to Nigeria that was so bad? I mean, I know GM is in that area and GM is the most evil corporation (until the Obama Administration) but come on. Nigerians, stop attacking planes, I have to get to Detroit today.

Okay, so this crazy woman rushes over and barrels down the Pope as he was doing his Pre-Christmas mass. I'm glad the pope is okay, but this was the single funniest thing I have seen since that one episode of Futurama. You know the one. It had Fry in it.

Ok, so I went to the carnival this weekend and I saw a guy with a superman tattoo on his chest. I really wanted to hit him with this shovel I had, but he was wearing a lil Wayne hat. Superman would NEVER wear a lil Wayne hat. Also, why would superman be in the Bahamas?

What else can I add in here to take up space. Oh! This one time at band camp...everyone died

Happy Kwanzaa Everypeople

Now, I know everyone is wondering what Kwanzaa is. Well, I have no idea. There is, however, a book on the subject. If you were a good fighter for equal rights this year then Kwanzaa Bot will break into your house and leave the traditonal Kwanzaa book for you.

Its Christmas

Now GTFO of the internet. Also, make sure you send me my present or I will find you and I will destroy you.

Awesome nerd picture I saw today

Last minute Christmas shopping tips

There are three shopping days until Christmas. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. But if she has cataracts then cubic zirconia is a lovely acquaintance

2. Sex is a risky gift for Christmas. If it is good then you lucked out. But if it is bad then you can't return it and you will remember it for a lifetime. Also, waking up pregnant is normally something ladies want to do since there is alot of drinking to be had on New Years Eve

3. Don't be afraid to be stereotypical. Some women love pots, pans and other kitchen stuff. This might be the time to get that new stove she will be slaving over next year.

4. When buy a gift for men, it is fairly simple. But don't assume cologne or a tie will do it. A wife dressed in a sexy maid outfit is practical for any holiday. You can even get more festive by dressing up as naughty Mrs Clause

5. If you are buying a car for that special someone, make sure you buy a car that has good fuel efficiency. Those 6 mile/gallon Hummers don't really cut it.

6. Some people get flowers. If you buy flowers don't buy the ones that are cut already. Just like you Christmas tree or a crappy marraige, it will die. Buy something exotic that is in a pot and take care of it as a bonding thing. (Holy shit, this one is actually a good idea)

7. Buy your dude a flat screen TV. Its almost time for the superbowl and its good to watch the game on a giant TV while you are making him and his friend nachos on your new stove.

8. When shopping for kids, just take them with you to buy thier gift. The brats know what they want. If you are one of those people that like to buy you child's gift 2 months early, see if it is still something they want. Also, stop buying your kid's gift 2 months early.

9. Canada

10. Gift cards are a lovely present at someone's favorite story. They want the money instead though. They need flexibility and your thoughtfullness is kinda stupid.

Have a nice Christmas people

NO GOKU, YOU'LL DESTROY US ALL

Lupus